Archive for July, 2010

The Decision (Lebron’s, that is)

Posted in Humor Column, Some sites I enjoy, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 27, 2010 by Joe Zimmerman

I thought I was a Cavaliers fan but apparently I’m not. The moment Lebron said, “I’m-a take my talents down to south beach,” I stopped caring about the Cavs. Now I’m just super pumped to see the juggernaut that is going to be the Miami Heat. I won’t even be rooting for the Heat, I’ll just be fascinated by what they do.

It’s strange to me how people are making his decision out to be a cowardly betrayal. Sports Illustrated published an article that really railed on him. From everything I can tell, Cleveland has had bad ownership and poor management. Lebron made a decision that involves taking less money, and giving up having the spotlight to himself. He’s will score fewer points, and he will be less of a hero, and he knows that. Like all of the other greats, he’s simply interested in championships, and the Cavs were not an organization that was ever going to help him deliver on that. At Miami, I’m sure he’ll get a ring, and probably multiple rings at that. If he had stayed in Cleveland, there was a good chance he never would have won a ring.

As far as waiting until the last minute, and announcing it on ESPN, that was definitely strange, and unnecessary. But let’s not forget all the money went to charity. Furthermore, we’re talking about Lebron James here – he’s coming off of two consecutive years as the MVP, and he’s been famous since he was about 15 years old. He’s an enormous super-star, and super-stars think differently than regular humans.

I think I’ve become attached to Lebron now in the way that people will follow their favorite celebrities in gossip magazines. I never quite understood how it worked, because I’ve never been interested in the Brangelina/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears attachments. But I think I’m experiencing it now with Lebron. If he’s on the cover of a magazine, I’m going to pick it up and read it. If I see Lebron on TV, I’ll stop and watch, mesmerized.

Psychologically, I think the attachment stems from living vicariously through someone. I think that my brain wants to be Lebron, not consciously, but subconsiously, my brain going, “Hey, there’s Lebron! If you were Lebron, that would be you!” In all honesty, if I could pick one person to be other than myself, it would probably be Lebron. Twenty-five years old, just hitting the peak of his career, earning 100s of millions of dollars – 6 foot 8, charismatic, and best friends with people like Jay-Z and Warren Buffett. My brain says, “Hey, if you were Lebron, you’d be Jay-Z and Buffett’s friend, too!”

I woke up from a dream the other night in which Lebron and I were best friends. We were just hanging out and I’m like “yur my boy Lebron,” and he was like “Yur my boy JZ.” And then we did that basketball player hand shake, fist pound, man hug (I don’t know how it works in real life, but I had it down in the dream) and then I woke up, and that sad feeling washed over – the feeling you only get when you wake up from a happy dream and realize that it’s not real.

Pythons taking over the Everglades

Posted in Humor Column, Some sites I enjoy, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 10, 2010 by Joe Zimmerman

So this just happened in the Evergaldes – it’s a picture of a Python that exploded, after eating an Alligator.

Snake eats gator - snake explodes

That’s correct, Pythons in the Everglades. Specifically the kind that grow up to twenty feet long, and weight 200 lbs. Problem is, pythons don’t belong in the Everglades – they have no natural predators there, so now there are somewhere between 100,000 and 200,000, and breeding rapidly!

Why is this happening, you ask? Apparently, people are buying baby pythons as pets, and then the baby pythons grow up to be twenty foot pythons, and I’m guessing at some point the owner looks at it and goes, “AAAH!!”

So then, because they love their snake so much, they release it into the wild, where he’ll be happy – because that’s what’s important, making sure your giant predator snake is happy. What happier place for a python than the Everglades; the perfect habitat /tourist destination.

I’ve never understood the desire to own a pet snake in the first place. Why would you choose to make your house more dangerous than necessary? Snakes aren’t exactly cuddly. They’re not known for being man’s best friend. They’re snakes! They symbolize and embody evil. Even if they’re not evil, they’re still scary, just by association. Plus, it’s your house! Owning a snake is the equivalent of saying, “I’d like my house to be slightly less safe.”

I have a friend of a friend (so you know this story is going to be completely accurate) who had a python for ten years, and then one day it constricted around his arm, and wouldn’t let go. He had to cut off the python’s head, and now he has permanent nerve damage. He was like, “I don’t get it, no problems for 10 years, and one day this happens.”

I think I know what happened – for ten years, your python wasn’t big enough to eat you, but then it got to the point where it was like, “I think he might fit in my stomach today, might as well give it a shot. I don’t care if he cuts off my head, I’m tired of living in a fish tank.”

If you have a snake, it doesn’t like you – I don’t care how many bunnies you feed it. A snake does not think, “Hey, this guy is feeding me bunnies, what a great dude!” No, the snake is thinking, “damn, I’m getting tired of eating rabbits. I could go for some variety up in here.”

But people continue to get pet snakes, because they’re “cool.” That’s what snake owners usually say – “I think it’s cool.” Fine, but if you suddenly can’t keep it anymore, don’t release it into the public! You might as well be housing a serial killer in the basement, and then go – I’m tired of containing this killer – I’ll just put release him somewhere where he’s happy. Just turn your snake in! I know killing it seems inhumane, but pythons eat three bunnies per month. If you kill a python, you’re saving thirty-six bunnies each year. I for one, like bunnies – they’re fluffy, and they don’t eat kids.

This is Just to say – a Poem by Lebron James

Posted in Poetry, Some sites I enjoy, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2010 by Joe Zimmerman

(Tribute to William Carlos Williams)

I have left your city
and the team
that you built
around me

and which
surely tore your heart out
to see so unexpectedly
on National Television

Forgive me
It felt so good
to go to a warm city
with good players

Five Ways to Spot a Russian Spy

Posted in Humor Column, Some sites I enjoy, Uncategorized with tags , , on July 7, 2010 by Joe Zimmerman

1) Looks like she would cast for the part of stereotypical hot Russian Spy in a 1978 James Bond movie
2) Speaks Russian/has thick Russian accent
3) from Moscow
4) makes YouTube video in which she says she loves New York City
5) Hair is dyed red so as to appear slightly not Russian

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