Archive for car insurance

Ford Focus collides with Stop Sign

Posted in Ford Focus Odometer Update, Humor Column, On Tour, Self Improvement with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2013 by Joe Zimmerman

Odometer Update: 311,475

I was starting to get pretty confident with my driving, with 240,000 miles accident free, and then I ran into a stop sign. My confidence is back down to where it should be, and I’m a little concerned with my fight or flight response. As I was skidding toward the stop sign – red jagged metal octagon headed toward my face – my reaction was something along the lines of, “UH..OH.” I think my mouth and eyes were wide open, as the windshield cracked. I don’t think you’re supposed to see the whole accident; I think you’re supposed to flinch, or put your arm up, or some sort of protective reflex. Not me, I just stared death dumbly in the face.

Should these human slicing jagged metal death octagons be outlawed? Protesters unite!

Should these human slicing jagged metal death octagons be outlawed? Protesters unite!

The police officer said, “You know you were really lucky, I’ve seen stop signs slice people in half.” First of all, really? Is that a thing? If stop signs are slicing people in half on the regular, how about we implement a safer material? Perhaps instead of a sharp jagged metal, maybe some sort of plastic polymer? Secondly, if that’s true, that I was lucky, it means that moment could have been the end of me. Which means I’ve experienced the moments right before death, and it’s a pretty dumb moment, just “Whoopsy!” I don’t even know if it was as much of a reaction of “Whoopsy” it was more of a blank moment of helplessness, when really I should have been putting my arm up.

What had happened was… a Beagle came trotting on to the road, and I hit the brakes, but the brakes didn’t work fast enough, so I swerved into the shoulder to avoid the little guy, where unfortunately, there was a layer of sand. I don’t know why there was sand on the shoulder, but it was essentially a layer of blonde beach sand, which sent me skidding an extra 20-30 feet past my initial projection.

Do you think brake neutralizing beach sand on safety shoulders should be outlawed?  Protesters unite!

Do you think brake neutralizing beach sand on safety shoulders should be outlawed? Protesters unite!

Being a good Samaritan and Beagle life-preserver, I thought the cop would be pleased with my contribution to society: “Hey, good work saving that dog, too bad about your car and all that money you’re gonna have to spend on the deductible.” Instead he said, “Now, you know you’re at fault for this.” I was thinking, “Um, are you not seeing this layer of sand? I mean, honestly, what is sand doing here?” He continued, “It’s illegal to swerve out of your lane. In the future you have to just hit the dog.”

Is there really a law written that says, “you have to hit a dog”? He said even if it’s a deer, you have to brake in your own lane and hit the deer. Surely there’s a limit to what you’re legally not allowed to swerve from. What if it’s a rhinoceros, or pack of wolves? Am I allowed to swerve out of the way of a pile of explosives? I did some Googling and couldn’t find an answer on the specifics of the no-swerve law, so if there are any advanced driver’s ed nerds who want to take a crack at the legality, please hit me back with your findings.

I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and improve, but I’m not sure exactly what I can take from this. On the one hand, I now know not to swerve, but at the same time, I’ve successfully swerved from dozens of animals in the past, accident free. I understand that it’s possible that you could swerve and someone could die, but I also have eyeballs, and if there is a person or car anywhere in the shoulder, I would make a note of that before swerving. It’s not like I would just see a dog and swerve blindly off a cliff. But on the other hand, I didn’t notice the patch of sand, so I get how swerving can lead to bad scenarios.

I suppose the bigger lesson, is to appreciate life. Given that moment could have been it, it is amazing how fleeting life is. You’re driving down the highway listening to Adele, beagle, stop sign, the end. You wouldn’t think so, but a stop sign could kill you at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday near Lynchburg, VA. I do have an increased sense of appreciation, but at the same time the act of appreciating life is easier said than done. Do you wake up each morning and exclaim, “I’m so thankful to be alive!” Or do you call your parents more? Or do you do more of the things on your bucket list and slide further into debt? Is a persistent and gnawing feeling of “I could be dead right now” a positive or a negative? There is a fine line between feeling lucky to be alive and the paralyzing fear of death. There’s the one type of person who feels lucky to be alive so he goes sky-diving, and there’s the other type who feels the same way so he stays in bed all day wearing a helmet. I’d prefer not to sky-dive, or wear a bed helmet, which puts me right back to where I was before the accident, except with a new awareness of the no-swerve kill-the-dog law, and a new windshield.

21 Simple Steps to Starting Your Car (or my car)

Posted in Humor Column, Lists, Some sites I enjoy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2010 by Joe Zimmerman

Today my car didn’t start, because it needed a new battery. I knew this because three weeks ago a mechanic in Asheville told me I needed a new battery. He also said I needed new coolant, but he said it in a way that set off my bluff radar, so I told him I’d come back. The mechanic today replaced the battery but told me the coolant was fine. Aha, Asheville mechanic! So you were bluffing! You were going to pocket that coolant money, weren’t you? After all, how would I know if the coolant had changed?

I don’t have a total lack of trust for car mechanics, but I do feel it’s in their best interest to repair as much as possible. I don’t know how cars work, so that leaves me read their body language for tells. They’re going, “Alright, you could use a new air filter, and your back tires are bald…” Meanwhile, I’m staring them down through my Oakley’s going, “I call… all in.” The problem with going all in against car mechanics, is sometimes your car dies a few weeks later.

Fortunately, I was only headed to the gym, and of all the thing to not do, exercise is one of the easiest. Furthermore, I did get three extra weeks out of that battery. It’s not the six months I was hoping for, but it’s still savings. While other folks are buying a new battery every five years, I got five years and three weeks. Over the course of one-hundred years, that’s real savings – possibly $10.

The other positive was that I enjoyed jumping my car. It’s the one car thing I know how to do. Not much you say? I’m sorry, I just made my car go from not starting, to starting. If that’s not magic, I don’t know what is, an the moment you breathe life into your own car, your masculinity goes, “Yep, still got it Rusty.” My masculinity’s name is Rusty by the way, and he talks in the third person.

If you ever find yourself in a similar bind, and don’t know what to do, here are twenty-one simple steps that worked for me:

1) Find another vehicle that starts (it helps if you’re home for the holidays and you can use your mom’s car).

2) Find jumper cables (it helps if your mom has jumper cables)

3) Pull up you mom’s car into a place where the cables can reach.

4) Find triggers in both cars to release hoods. Don’t be startled when you hear the hood pop – that’s what it’s supposed to sound like.

5) Raise both hoods, and find the doo-hicky stick thing that holds it up. Rusty calls it the “hood prop,” and then he spits tobacco into an old coke bottle (very disgusting).

6) At this point your hands will be getting cold, so it’s a good time to go inside and ask your mom for mittens.

7) Correctly guess whether to attach the black cable first, or the red cable. You have a 50/50 chance, so the odds are almost in your favor. Also, if you put on the wrong one, I don’t think it will kill you. If you have a smart phone, you can Google which to put on first. (Rusty said it was black first, and then made a racist joke, which I didn’t laugh at, and won’t share).

8. Turn on your mom’s car

9) Leave running, and don’t lock the keys in car

10) Turn on your car.

11) Don’t immediately turn your car off.

12) Correctly guess which to do first: turn off your mom’s car, or remove the cables. Again, you have a 50/50 chance, and I don’t think you’ll die if you get it wrong, but I’m about 50/50 on that.

13) Find a gas station that can take your car at the last minute on a Saturday. It helps if your mom knows a mechanic, and makes the call for you.

14) Explain to Gary that you need a new battery, and when he asks how you know, just look serious and say, “I did a reading.” If he looks impressed, good. If he inquires further, break down and admit that you didn’t listen to your last mechanic.

15) Find somewhere within walking distance to hang out that isn’t a gas station (McDonald’s doesn’t count as not being a gas station).

16) Keep your cell phone close, and turn the ringer volume up. The call could come at any time, and you need to be ready.

17) Prepare yourself mentally for various repairs that need to be done, and think of good excuses to avoid them. For instance, “Oh, that part could catch fire? Well, I just love a nice fire in winter!”

18) Pay for battery and ask for receipt. Say it’s for your “records.”

19) Drive home, park, and continue to not lock keys inside car.

20) Place receipt in “records” (i.e. the recycling bin)

21) Put on slippers and take a nap, you’ve been through a lot.

Note: If you don’t feel like jumping your car, you can always call Geico’s towing service, but then you’d have to find your car insurance, and good luck with that.

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