Archive for silly

Bank of America Online Chat

Posted in Humor Column with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2012 by Joe Zimmerman

Bank of America has given me some headaches over the past few years with sneaky fees, so when I found myself chatting online with a representative regarding a basic issue, I decided to have a little unplanned fun.  But wow, it’s tough to get these folks to crack:

Alexus:  May I help you with anything else today?
You: Yes, I am curious if you are offering any Credit Cards with better rates.  My current rate just ballooned to 99%.
Alexus: If I am correct so you want to check the lower interest rate on your current credit card?
You:  I want to know if there are any other cards available with lower rates.  99% seems high
Alexus: Joseph, I can help you with the link where you can check the credit cards with the lower interest rate and then you can apply as well.
Alexus: Will that be fine with you?
You: yes
Alexus: Thank you.
Alexus: Please click here
You: Did you mean to send that site???
Alexus: Yes absolutely as it is the correct link and I would request you  to click on the above link which I have provided.
Alexus: Are you able to view the the link which I have provided you above?
You: No, there must be something wrong with my computer, it took me to a website that made me blush (if you know what I mean)
Alexus: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. However, I would request you  to refresh the screen and re login again and then try the link again.
You: Are you cranking me right now?
Alexus: I would like to inform you that the link which I have provided you and when I am clicking the link it is opening the correct website.
You: Okay… I am refreshing my computer…
Alexus: Sure.
You: Okay, I am on the correct page now. I think someone must have hacked my internet for a second. I am in an Arby’s so you never know.
Alexus: Yes it could be that and I would request you  to check the lower interest rate credit card on the Bank of America website which I have provided to you.
You: I’m going through a bad break-up right now, so I guess I’m a bit of a mess with this stuff.
You: I could really use a low interest rate to help me with the break up

Alexus: Joseph, you will be able to check the all the credit card on the above link with the lower interest rates.
Alexus: are you able to follow the link?
You: Yes, I am just reading through the fine print…
You: my last credit card charged me a lot of interest I didn’t want to pay… so I didn’t pay it, on principle
Alexus: Okay.
You: It says in the fine print that after the introductory rate “your APR will be 10.99% to 19.99%, based on your creditworthiness,”  blah, blah, blah, skim…and that “this APR will vary with the market based on the Prime Rate.”
You: What is a “Prime Rate”?
Alexus: A variable APR is calculated by adding a set number determined by the credit card issuer (called the margin), to a reference rate (called the index), such as the U.S. Prime Rate. When the Prime Rate goes up or down, your variable APR may change, depending on whether your issuer updates your rates monthly or quarterly. Review your account agreement to find out how often this might happen.
You: Wow, you typed that fast!
Alexus: Thank you.
You: What you are saying makes sense.  So the prime rate is the lowest amount of interest that funds can be borrowed commercially? Is this different than the federal funds rate?
Alexus: I would like to inform you that prime interest rate is basic on which the interest rate of the credit cards depends.
You: Do you think Mitt Romney will be able to balance the prime rate?
You: It seems like Obama hasn’t been able to help much.
Alexus: I understand your points of view but the cards which are on the above link are the only one which Bank of America offers with the lower interest rate.
Alexus: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. I wish I could be of your help.
You: Is it rude to ask who you are voting for? I’m curious who the banks are pulling for. I am torn right now.
You: I like Bearock as a person, but he seems like he’s not very bank friendly, and I’d like my prime rate to go down
You: so that I can finally get debt free
Alexus: I understand that but this is not in our hand and we can not change the policies which has been set up by the bank, by federal law and by the country.
You: But you can influence the policies, yes?  Doesn’t Bank of America have a lobbyist who is friends with Ben Bernanke?
Alexus: I apologize as I will not be able to comment on it.
You: :(
You:  Are you based in the states or abroad?
Alexus: I am a Bank of America associate located in India.
You: Oh wow
You: I guess it’s night there?
Alexus: Yes its 9 p.m. over here.
You: I’ve always wanted to go to India
You: Do you do this customer service work 8 hours a day 5 days a week?
Alexus: I apologize as I will not be able to comment on it as I am on a professional chat.
You: Okay, I appreciate your help
You: don’t stay up too late!
Alexus: Thank you.
Alexus: I appreciate your understanding in this matter.
Alexus: May I help you with anything else today?
You: I think I’m all set now
Alexus: Thank you.
By the end I felt bad for this poor person working the night shift in India.  Why does she (or he) have to deal with all of the anger that’s been created by the suits with third homes in New Hampshire?  If only we could have a day to chat online with the decision makers, that might really be fun.

New Stand Up Clip – Spotting the Racist

Posted in On Stage, On Tour, Video Clip with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2011 by Joe Zimmerman

I’ve been told the fast track to the top in comedy, is having a YouTube video that goes viral. That sounds easy enough right, and the concept of “going viral” sounds so cool, like you’re something hip and underground, even though most videos that “go viral” are of cats being crazy, or babies being silly, or fathers getting injured, or some deadly (VIRAL) combination of the three. Ultimately what I need to create, is a video where a father uses a laser pointer to spin a cat in circles, while his baby laughs loudly at the cat’s dizziness. The mom walks in, yells at the Dad, and the cat freaks, and jumps out of control into the dad’s balls. The Dad screams, the baby laughs, the cat runs off, and the mom sighs – VIRAL! Unfortunately I don’t have a cat or a baby or a lazer pointer handy, but I do have this stand up clip, which will probably get 500 views like the rest of my clips. But one day, perhaps I can be a father, and have a cat and a baby and a wife who sighs, and on that day, I can go SUPER VIRAL! Until then, here is a new two-minute stand up clip:


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