Archive for writing

Ford Focus collides with Stop Sign

Posted in Ford Focus Odometer Update, Humor Column, On Tour, Self Improvement with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2013 by Joe Zimmerman

Odometer Update: 311,475

I was starting to get pretty confident with my driving, with 240,000 miles accident free, and then I ran into a stop sign. My confidence is back down to where it should be, and I’m a little concerned with my fight or flight response. As I was skidding toward the stop sign – red jagged metal octagon headed toward my face – my reaction was something along the lines of, “UH..OH.” I think my mouth and eyes were wide open, as the windshield cracked. I don’t think you’re supposed to see the whole accident; I think you’re supposed to flinch, or put your arm up, or some sort of protective reflex. Not me, I just stared death dumbly in the face.

Should these human slicing jagged metal death octagons be outlawed? Protesters unite!

Should these human slicing jagged metal death octagons be outlawed? Protesters unite!

The police officer said, “You know you were really lucky, I’ve seen stop signs slice people in half.” First of all, really? Is that a thing? If stop signs are slicing people in half on the regular, how about we implement a safer material? Perhaps instead of a sharp jagged metal, maybe some sort of plastic polymer? Secondly, if that’s true, that I was lucky, it means that moment could have been the end of me. Which means I’ve experienced the moments right before death, and it’s a pretty dumb moment, just “Whoopsy!” I don’t even know if it was as much of a reaction of “Whoopsy” it was more of a blank moment of helplessness, when really I should have been putting my arm up.

What had happened was… a Beagle came trotting on to the road, and I hit the brakes, but the brakes didn’t work fast enough, so I swerved into the shoulder to avoid the little guy, where unfortunately, there was a layer of sand. I don’t know why there was sand on the shoulder, but it was essentially a layer of blonde beach sand, which sent me skidding an extra 20-30 feet past my initial projection.

Do you think brake neutralizing beach sand on safety shoulders should be outlawed?  Protesters unite!

Do you think brake neutralizing beach sand on safety shoulders should be outlawed? Protesters unite!

Being a good Samaritan and Beagle life-preserver, I thought the cop would be pleased with my contribution to society: “Hey, good work saving that dog, too bad about your car and all that money you’re gonna have to spend on the deductible.” Instead he said, “Now, you know you’re at fault for this.” I was thinking, “Um, are you not seeing this layer of sand? I mean, honestly, what is sand doing here?” He continued, “It’s illegal to swerve out of your lane. In the future you have to just hit the dog.”

Is there really a law written that says, “you have to hit a dog”? He said even if it’s a deer, you have to brake in your own lane and hit the deer. Surely there’s a limit to what you’re legally not allowed to swerve from. What if it’s a rhinoceros, or pack of wolves? Am I allowed to swerve out of the way of a pile of explosives? I did some Googling and couldn’t find an answer on the specifics of the no-swerve law, so if there are any advanced driver’s ed nerds who want to take a crack at the legality, please hit me back with your findings.

I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and improve, but I’m not sure exactly what I can take from this. On the one hand, I now know not to swerve, but at the same time, I’ve successfully swerved from dozens of animals in the past, accident free. I understand that it’s possible that you could swerve and someone could die, but I also have eyeballs, and if there is a person or car anywhere in the shoulder, I would make a note of that before swerving. It’s not like I would just see a dog and swerve blindly off a cliff. But on the other hand, I didn’t notice the patch of sand, so I get how swerving can lead to bad scenarios.

I suppose the bigger lesson, is to appreciate life. Given that moment could have been it, it is amazing how fleeting life is. You’re driving down the highway listening to Adele, beagle, stop sign, the end. You wouldn’t think so, but a stop sign could kill you at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday near Lynchburg, VA. I do have an increased sense of appreciation, but at the same time the act of appreciating life is easier said than done. Do you wake up each morning and exclaim, “I’m so thankful to be alive!” Or do you call your parents more? Or do you do more of the things on your bucket list and slide further into debt? Is a persistent and gnawing feeling of “I could be dead right now” a positive or a negative? There is a fine line between feeling lucky to be alive and the paralyzing fear of death. There’s the one type of person who feels lucky to be alive so he goes sky-diving, and there’s the other type who feels the same way so he stays in bed all day wearing a helmet. I’d prefer not to sky-dive, or wear a bed helmet, which puts me right back to where I was before the accident, except with a new awareness of the no-swerve kill-the-dog law, and a new windshield.

Famous Quote First Drafts

Posted in Humor Column, Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2012 by Joe Zimmerman

I’ve found that one of the most difficult things in writing is to keep your sentences concise and to the point. For instance, that first sentence could have probably been shortened to, “The toughest thing for writers is to be concise,” and then that could have been wittled down further to, “Writers work hard to be concise,” and then finally we could just cut it all out and get to my point, which doesn’t exist. That’s really the writer’s ultimate goal – to edit your words down to nothing so that no one has to read anything in the first place. In thinking about the editing process, I wondered if the most famous quotes of all time had earlier, more rambling versions. I unearthed a few of these earlier drafts, never before seen until now:

“The only thing to fear, is bears and wolves and ghosts and death and spiders. But ultimately, you should try not to be afraid of any of these things. Though I admit, it is difficult to avoid fear, given all of the spiders of varying size and color.”
-Roosevelt

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do to stop blaming the president for every damn little thing that happens. Jeez, step up and accept a little responsibility for your own crap life, it can’t be all me people.”
-JFK

“There’s at least twenty-three ways to skin a cat, give or take two.”
-Cletus the cat skinner

“Storms break branches, but they don’t break the base of the tree, unless it’s an extremely bad storm, or a really old tree that’s rotting.”
-proverb

“I have been daydreaming!”
-MLK

“An eye for an eye makes everybody look gross and have poor depth perception, so let’s try to avoid that strategy.”
-Gandhi

“That which doesn’t kill us, may leave us in a weakened state or permanently scarred, but that’s okay, because staying alive is what’s important, right?”
-Nietzsche

“Two roads diverged in the wood, and I, I took the left one where there were more brambles, but ultimately it got me where I wanted to go because it was quieter and I prefer the quiet. Though at one point, I did have to fend off a vicious badger. That’s the main downside of clearing your own path – more badgers.”
-Frost

“All the world’s a green room, and all the men and women merely waiting to go on stage, complaining about the lack of beverages and worrying about the intelligence of the audience.”
-Shakespeare

“I think and therefore I have a brain, and therefore my brain exists because if it didn’t exist I would not be able to think these thoughst, so therefore I must also exist. Unless my thoughts aren’t real, but just illusions that my fake brain has created. Woh, brain explosion.”
-Descartes

Second “Girlfriend” – Eighth grade

Posted in Humor Column, Memories with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2011 by Joe Zimmerman

My second “girlfriend” attempt was toward the beginning of 8th grade. Things were looking up – I’d dropped the glasses for contacts, thinned out a bit from soccer, and my hair had blond streaks. Ahem, yes that’s correct, I high-lighted my hair. Everyone agreed highlighting your hair was super gay. Yet, it was a gamble that paid off with the ladiez. I think I briefly made up lies, “Oh, those are natural… bright blond highlights, that appeared over night, ahemahahem!”

There was a very attractive coffee shop girl in my home room, who mixed her bohemian attitude with an occasional plaid skirt and knee high socks. She was kind of like Jenny from Forrest Gump, except dark hair instead of light. I always sat next to her in homeroom, because our names were both late in the alphabet. Homeroom is a period that centers around doing nothing, which leaves two options for passing time:
A) Sleeping
B) Staring
If you’re not staring, you’re dreaming of what you were just staring at. Homeroom crushes are inevitable.

She’s out of my league, but I don’t know that because I’m fourteen, and I have a new swagger thanks to highlighting dye for women, that my dad reluctantly purchased for me at a CVS. My friend Zach knew everything about women, so I went to him for advice. Zach looks like Leonardo DiCaprio. He said, “Oh, well you should write her a note, she’ll probably date you.” So I did, and he revised it, and delivered the note. When he returned he said, “She said yes.”
“Yes to what?”
“Yes to going. She said to call her tonight. She wrote down her number.”
“Really?”
Zach knew everything.

I called her that night from a pay phone at the high school football game.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?”
“Homework?”
“You?”
“Oh, just at the football game.”
“What? I can’t really hear you.”
“Oh, they just scored…hold on, I’m out of quarters…”
When I hung up, I thought, that didn’t go well. Is that how dating works? It’s not easy being Cassinova from a pay phone, I knew that much.

The next day, I was playing dodgeball in gym class. I just got hit with a ball, when a squirly girl with glasses approached me on the side lines with a new note, folded into a square:
“I’m so sorry,” she said, as though my dog had just died.
“So, soooo, sorry for you,” she said again, as though my parents had just died.
They say don’t kill the messenger, but it would help if the messenger didn’t talk.

I didn’t need to read it:
Joe, you’re great. This isn’t working. It’s not you, it’s me. Blah, blah, scar.

First I get side-lined in dodgeball, then I get dumped; it was not my best PE class.

Attainable Resolutions

Posted in Humor Column, Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2011 by Joe Zimmerman

I read once in a magazine called “Motivational Science Digest” that I just made up, that the key to achieving your goals is to make them attainable. If your New Year’s resolution is to go to the gym three times a week, every week, you’ve set yourself up for failure. Life throws too many curve balls to beast out fifty-two weeks in a row. What happens when you take a vacation to South America and get kidnapped by Columbians who lock you in the back of a poultry truck for a week, and that poultry truck has no free-weights or elliptical machines? Now you’ve copped out on your resolution, and that makes you a bad person.

In order to practice what I preach, here are my realistic 2011 New Year’s resolutions.

-I will not build a fort

-I will not insert the word “diphthong” into any conversations regarding 911 conspiracy

-I will not read War & Peace in the original Russian translation

-I will not point at a Peregrine Falcon, and incorrectly identify it as a Wyvern

-I won’t cuss at any babies, even if they start it

-I will always wear clothes in public, with the exception of Aeropostale

-I will not start my own organic marshmallow cafe, with fire pits in place of tables

-I will not be hit on the head by a meteor, while driving through the Lincoln tunnel

-I will not invent anything in the field of medical technology

-I will not hunt or kill any Komodo Dragons, unless using bow and arrow

-I will not lock myself in a wine cellar and write reality TV show pilots based on Gary Busey, Sarah Palin, and Kate Goslyn being stranded on Alcatraz island with nothing but three copies of “Lord of the Flies.”

-I will not play the board game Monopoly, unless I can be the shoe or the terrier (or maybe the boat).

-I will only eat rhubarb in pie form, and even then rarely

-I will not give candy and liquor to pigeons

-I will not purposely search for David Hasslehoff videos on YouTube

-I will not eat cereal using a Cutco steak knife

-I will not use fresh coffee to help swallow vitamins

-I will not give a lecture on horticulture that’s open to the public

-I will not run as an Anarchist for political office, under the name Able Honestgood

-I will not compulsively sign into my old Friendster account and check for new messages

-I will not participate in any form of illegal cage fighting

-I will not claim to have adopted a Ukrainian child named Boris, who maintains my website

Twelve re-tweetable short stories (not stolen from Ernest Hemingway)

Posted in Humor Column, Lists, Some sites I enjoy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2010 by Joe Zimmerman

I am worried that in the near future, writers of all genres will learn to keep every sentence to 140 characters or less, for the marketing purpose of the re-tweet on Twitter – like how pop musicians have learned to keep their songs to 3 minutes for the sake of radio plays (note: this sentence is a bad example).

Today I’ve gone beyond that, to the 140 character story. Now, I’m not breaking any new ground here; Hemingway claimed to have written the shortest story ever:
“For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

Wow, Twitter hadn’t even been invented yet! But Ernest, honestly? Is that a story? Well, it is sad, and leaves itself open to interpretation, so… okay, I’ll give it to you E.Hem. I’ll also assume Hemingway understands the definition of “story” better than I (or is it “better than me?”). The six word story is pretty unbeatable. I tried for a while and eventually came to, “For rent: casket, unused.”
Woh! Four words! But alas, it’s just a bit of a ripoff, so I can’t take credit. As far as anything not involving an unspoken death, and a colon, no dice.

So here we go: Twelve re-tweetable short stories (that weren’t ripped off from Ernest Hemingway).

Unrequited
A man desired a woman, but she was married to a king. The king hung the man, and the queen ran away and died alone in a cave.

Bad Omen
He knew that she loved him. She knew that she didn’t. He knew he was old. She knew she could wait him out. A cat peed in the distance.

Retaliation
The boy was bullied, so he learned Karate from an old man. When the bully called him “Goth Macchio,” the boy shot him.

Before Time
Before space there was time, and before that there was a guy named Eugene. Eugene grew bored of nothing, so he created everything.

The Desert
A man got lost in a desert. As he was dying, a gypsy gave him water and whispered three words, “Never come back.”

The Hunteri
A deer lay bleeding in a stream. Far away, a hunter gave up searching, and wondered what he had become.

Immigrants
A family paddled across an ocean to escape their past. They came to a new land where they found freedom, but missed home.

Sea Monster
Deep on the sea floor, there was a monster who ate everything. It fell in love with an Octopus, and then ate it, too.

Secret
A boy saw his own father’s suicide. He never told a soul, and grew up to be an oil baron, and proud cat owner.

Unfortunate Eulogy
In the fiery passions of desire, Lois made a big mistake: she asked Clark to spank her as hard as he could.

Bad Luck: Good Luck: Bad Luck
A man was framed for murder and sentenced to death. He miraculously escaped to NYC, and played didgeridoo on the F- train.

Headstone
The epitaph read, “He who reads this, turns to sand.” He wondered what that meant, and blew away.

Perseverence
Two men began golfing optimistically. On the 12th hole they quit and vowed to never play again. After a beer, they returned to 13.

What I just learned: it’s difficult to write a 140 character short story without it sounding like a creepy parable.

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