I recently had an interesting conversation with a fellow whose father is one of the leading experts on alien abductions. My first instinct was curiosity mixed with judgement, but when he told me there wasn’t a day his dad doesn’t regret it, I was confused. He explained there is zero upside to being an alien abduction expert, because everyone just dismisses you as the kooky guy. Also, it’s not like there’s a lot funding in that particular field.

The same can be said for reporting abductions. Let’s say you really are abducted, and then you report it…well, now everyone thinks you’re a kuckoo brain. You feel better now? Perhaps that’s the reason we associate abductions with crazies; the folks who report the abductions are the people with nothing to lose, and just a tiny percentage of actual abduction numbers. If you’re smart, or you have a good job, you’re much better off not saying a word.

I know if I was beamed up into a flying saucer, experimented on, and forced to mate with a wolf, I wouldn’t speak a word. I’m sure I’d do some heavy journaling, but the alien-wolf thing would definitely remain a secret. I know this, if you report an alien abduction, you’re not going to get a promotion at your job that year. You could go on to win a nobel peace prize, and you’d still be alien-wolf guy.

That being said, I did think of one scenario where there is an upside. That is, if you previously purchased alien abduction insurance. Apparently that’s is a real thing, that real people are buying. Sure, if you’ve been paying for the insurance go ahead and collect on what your owed. That being said, if you’re thinking about alien abduction insurance, I would strongly advise against it for a few reasons:
1) If you get an alien induced injury (physical or psychological) good health insurance already covers that right? So just use your extra money for better health insurance, which will help protect against real things.
2) On the off chance you’re abducted (we’ll call it 1 in every 3 people), you won’t be able to prove anything, as aliens have never left any physical evidence. What makes you think you’ll be the first person who can prove it? And if are the first one with proof, I’m pretty sure there will be book money, to help pay off those alien scar bills.
3) If you buy the coverage, then aliens will probably know you’re covered, which increases the likelihood they’ll abduct you.

Now, I’m not saying I believe in alien abductions, but I am saying that if they are happening, we wouldn’t know it. On a side note, I think Bigfoot is an alien. Also, Donald Trump. Additionally, Michelle Bachman, Oprah Winfrey, Glen Beck, Tom Cruise, Barbara Walters, Yao Ming, Dakota Fanning, Paris Hilton, Bill Gates, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Russians. Finally, cats.