One problem with defending yourself in the wild is that each attacker is different. It’s difficult to remember the proper protocol from one species to the next. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list you can print and carry around with you, in the likely event of a vicious attack:

Bear: Play dead (but only if you’re okay with dying)

Wolf: Don’t smile as it will see your teeth as a sign of aggression. Also, why were you just smiling at a wolf?

Coyote: Yell or throw rocks. Do not feed your cat to it. If all else fails, feed your cat to it.

Neighbor’s dog charging (off leash): Hold ground and use commanding voice – say, “No!” or “Bad dog!” Then punch your neighbor in the face.

Cat charging: pepper spray

Bunny charging: cuddle

Pack of bunnies: ballistic missile

Snapping Turtle: Walk away. If it gives chase, continue walking. Don’t stop and brag about how fast you are. The turtle is slow, but steady.

Alligator: say “see ya later.” If that doesn’t work, add a winky emoticon.

Crocodile: say “in a while,” unless you can think of something more clever, but some say that is impossible.

Komodo Dragon: let it eat you. This is one of the most endangered species in the world and it needs our help.

Regular Dragon: fire extinguisher / Vin Diesel

Kraken: try not to release it

Avatar bird thing: interlock hair braid and fly with it immediately or you lose the bond

Zombie: Find a male dork friend. He will be prepared.

Vampire: a) sunlight b) tear off head c) wooden stake to heart d) acting classes e) be unattractive – vampires only go after hotties, so if you’re a seven or below, you should be good.

Vampire bat: Have a face to face scream-off with it. This will scar you for life but it’s the only option.

Cow: tip

Chupacabra: See “Coyote” (above), or an Optometrist

Bigfoot: turn on camcorder (preferably poor resolution and shaky)

Hydra: do not cut off head. Try cutting off legs. Once it has has a bunch of legs it should just fall over.

Pirates (Somali): let them capture you so you learn your lesson about taking a cruise near Somalia.

Pirates (eye patch, peg leg, hook hand): aim for other eye, other leg, other hand

Siren: counter song with Karaoke (“Hit me with your best shot,” or “Dirty Deeds”)